One in three teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner (Clairborne). Relationships as a teenager are hard enough without abuse being involved. So when abuse becomes a part of it, it feels like you’ll never escape the nightmare. Abuse is found in three main forms: intimidation, emotional, and isolation.
Firstly, in abusive relationships the abuser will tend to use intimidation to have control. They generally instill fear in their partner by looks, actions, gestures, destroying things, and/or by physically hurting them. One in three teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked, or physically hurt by their partner (Speiser). I am one of the many teenagers who has experienced physical abuse and I will share a personal experience of what physical abuse can become, if not stopped in advance. I had tried to end my relationship with my ex-boyfriend of two years who was abusing me in all three forms. We were in his car and I told him that I deserved better and that I didn’t want to be with him, that I had endured enough of his abuse; I felt strong, like nothing could destroy me. I didn’t wait for his reaction of what I had just told him and turned to open the door to leave and be free, but then my hands were locked with his force. He had grabbed me so I couldn’t leave. I struggled for a while, and told him to let me go and it would be fine. As soon as he let go of my hands I opened the door to get out again. When I was almost out, he grabbed my hair and yanked me back into his car with all his force. I flew in sobbing, barely able to breathe. He told me that I would never leave him. That he was sorry and he loved me. He stated that it was my fault for trying to leave so abruptly that had caused him to hurt me.
Secondly, an abuser will tend to use emotional tactics to hurt their partner. The most common ways are that they will play mind games with their partner and call them derogatory names. Statistics show that more than one in four teenage girls in a relationship report enduring repeated verbal abuse (Speiser). Verbal abuse includes more than just the general bitch or whore, it also includes words that describe you’re appearance, such as fat and hideous. An example of verbal abuse is, “Your pale skin disgusts me, it makes you hideous”. Also, the abuser may make you feel as if what they have done to you is your fault, that you created the situation and that they couldn’t help it that they ‘had’ to hit you. Another way is that an abuser will “check up” on you, wanting to know where you are and who you are with at all times.
Thirdly, another very common form of abuse is through isolation. The abuser controls who you see and what you do, cuts you off from friends and social activities, and uses jealousy to justify their actions. My ex-boyfriend would control who I could see and what I could do socially, if I ignored him about this he would use threats that dealt with blackmail, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse. He used jealousy to justify his reasoning, telling me that I would leave him or cheat on him if I hung out with an attractive male. My phone eventually stopped ringing, unless he was checking up on me to see if I was with anyone he didn’t approve of. My social life ended and I was the most depressed I had ever been. However, he himself thought it was okay to go out with anyone he liked and his jealousy rooted from him cheating on me multiple times. This instance shows that abusers like to have total control over their partner, it makes them feel powerful. Most abusers are insecure with who they are and when they think that they have someone who they have control over, they tend to make that person feel hideous. They will make that person think that no one else wants them, so that they can have you all to theirself with no worry of others taking you away or you falling for someone else.
If you are being abused you should not feel alone. Especially women, because one study shows that women experience significantly higher levels of sever violence and also more severe emotional reactions to the violence (Molider), which may make you feel alone. You should know that there are others out there in similar situations as you. I was one of them, one who thought no one would understand or that when people found out they would think less of me for being so weak. However, that is not the case. If you seek help, your family and friends will be proud of you and will keep you safe. You are never alone, and never feel bad about yourself. There are many ways to reach out for help, go to friends, family, or the people who you feel closest to. Another way is to call a hotline for advice, one of the best to call is: LoveIsRespect.org National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline. Their phone number is 1-866-331-9474.
Overall, abuse is not uncommon or rare in teenage relationships. It has three main forms that you should be aware of, they are: intimidation, emotional, and isolation. Remember, you deserve more than what you are receiving from your significant other if you are experiencing any of the three forms of abuse. You may think that you don’t deserve better, that you created this situation, that no one else will love you like he does. I am here to tell you that, that is incorrect. I’ve been in that situation and better comes. Remember to put yourself first and that you deserve the best in life.
Sources:
Claiborne, Liz. Love is not Abuse. 2008.
<http://www.Loveisnotabuse.com/statistics.htm>
Molider, Christian, Richard M. Tolman. “Gender and Contextual Factors
in Adolescent Dating Violence.” Violence
Against Women. Vol. 4. Denver Co, 1998
Speiser, B.L. Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships (T.E.A.R). 2005.
<http://www.teensagainstabuse.org/index.php>
